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I've uploaded the entire Microsoft Word document so you could read the play with all the highlighted text and all the indents I had throughout it. And if you want to save it you just go up to "File" and down to "Save As." But of course some people may have trouble opening the Word Document, so I also have a version that is just straight text which is below. But if you want to read the Word Document instead, just click on "WHAT ABOUT THE PLOT JIM?" to download it.
"What About The Plot Jim?"
CHARACTERS:
Jim: Our male star of the play. He is 19 years old and clean shaving.
Alicia: Our female co-star. She is 19 with long hair and a baby face.
Body Man 1: He performs body movements.
Body Man 2: He also performs body movements.
Little Irish Leprechaun: The little leprechaun Jim keeps in his shirt pocket.
The People: The People.
SCENE:
A party at an apartment building which Alicia is hosting. It's a wild party with loud music and a disco globe. The scene opens with Alicia outside on the balcony, and in the background we see the lights and hear the sounds of the party. She's wearing a white dress and looks lonely. Her elbows are on the rail and she is looking forward. The building is modern, yet the balcony is done in a more medieval fashion with vines and stone statues. After a short time, the lights go off and when they reappear there is Jim wearing a toga. He has his back against the rail of the balcony balancing himself with his elbows.
...............
Jim: So are we gonna make out or what?
Alicia: What? So soon? What about the dramatic build up? Our confession of love? My betrayal and then my realization that I messed up that brings me running back to your arms where we then seal our love with a night of passion? What about the plot, Jim?
Jim (rolling eyes): Plot? Yeah… Whatever.
Alicia: Oh, don't be that way Jim. I'm quite sure you're gonna find a way into my pants before the night is over with. (smiles)
Jim: But you're not wearing pants.
Alicia (shocked): Well I'll be damned… Hey, where the hell did you come from anyway?
Jim: Good editing.
Alicia: Oh.
Jim: So I guess this means we're gonna have to start all over from the beginning, right?
Alicia: Yup.
Jim (sighs): So, you come out here often?
Alicia: No, only when I'm lonely. You'd think that with an apartment full of swingers, I could at least… You know, you can come up with a better opening line than that, can't you? I just don't get the feeling that you're trying very hard.
Jim (frustrated): Geez… Why must you be so picky? First it's the plot, now it's the dialogue. I'm not even sure why he started you off with clothing.
Alicia (in a voice to mock Jim): Fine! I'll do it for you. "Hi, my name's Jim, ahehe. I think you're hot and I came out here to spend some time with you. But due to my natural born insecurities in my manhood, I double stuff my underwear in a sad attempt to impress women since my vocabulary skills are lacking. But hey, just look at my chest and ignore this serious overbite."
Jim (in a dry voice): You cut me, Alicia. You cut me real deep.
Alicia: I know, I'm sorry. It's just that I get this way at this time of the year.
Alicia: This is when your parents died, isn't it?
Alicia: Yeah. How'd you know that?
Jim: The same way I knew your name - read the script.
Alicia: Got'cha. But yeah, things just haven't been the same since they died. Every year around this time I come out here by myself and just think about all the things I miss about them. Like the smell of Mom's homemade store brought pie. Or how Daddy used to dangle me over the edge and pretend to drop me. (sighs) Good times...
Jim: They sound like nice parents.
Alicia: They were. I can still remember the day they died. It started off like such a perfect day. Sun shining, birds singing… The whole nine yards. My Dad had just picked up Mom from work and was heading home. Neither had eaten in hours and decided to head for a fast food restaurant. Mucho Burgers if I remember correctly. But they decided to go to the drive through.
Jim: And then what happens?
Alicia (calmly): A meteor fell on them.
Jim: Ouch! That must suck. One minute you're ordering some Mucho burgers and fries then BAM! A giant rock falls on your ass leaving behind a crater the size of Rhode Island. Bet his car insurance didn't cover the damages to that one.
Alicia: No… No it didn't. (turns head and faces readers) And let this
be a lesson to you all out there. Never get into the line at a fast food joint.
Chances are, you're going to die. And remember to always be on the look out
for Commi scum trying to hurdle giant meteorites at unsuspecting, God loving,
American citizens. We'll get those red coats yet!
Jim (confused): Um… Who are you talking to?
Alicia: The people.
The People (excited): The people!
Alicia: See, I knew they were paying attention.
Jim: So you mean people are actually watching me trying to seduce you? Out there listening to everything we say and following everything we do? Like a bunch of sick, viagra induced, voyeur enthusiasts?
Alicia: When you put it like that - Yeah!
Jim: Well, you know what they say; it ain't fun if the homies can't have none. For sizzle my nizzle izzle dizzle Alizzle.
Alicia (confused): What the hell was that?
Jim: Production cost my dear. Studio thought it would be cheaper if I just played the token black guy. I get to say stuff like, "That's whack," and "Word up."
Alicia: …Works for me. You're not getting paid twice are you?
Jim: No. That would kind of defeat the purpose, wouldn't it?
Alicia: So essentially you're getting paid less for twice the amount of work?
Jim (insecure): Well… I guess.. But it's not really…
Alicia: So you memorized all these extra lines which you won't be getting a single, solid, dime for? If anything you should be raising hell with the studio.
Jim: Stop pressuring me! Can we just get back to the story already?
Alicia: Yeah, I guess.
Jim: So where was I?
Alicia: Stalling.
Jim: Stalling? Why?
Alicia: Because we don't want anyone to notice we haven't moved since this play started. Now can we get a little assistance out here? I'm cramping up.
Jim (to himself. surprised): Holy shit! This is a play?!?
(in walks Body Man 1 and Body Man 2. Both are wearing janitor sits. Body Man 2 talks with a French Accent)
Body Man 2: Right away, Madam! All my gentle hands to caress your bo-dy. To let them stroke your thighs and move your hips. To experience heights of passion which you once thought un-climbable. And then, in our deepest moment of passion, you will scream my name, "Oh Body Man… Oh Body Man 2! Move me!"
(Alicia goes limp in Body Man 2's arms)
Alicia (smiling): Wow! Keep talking like that, big boy, and you'll be in my pants before Jim is. And at the moment, you're very very close.
Body Man 2 (holds Alicia closer to him): Ah my dear, tis your loving fruits I do indeed seek. But, Madam, you're not wearing pants.
Alicia (slight pause. angry): …You know what? Just sit me back on the damn balcony. And cross my hands too.
Jim (laughing): Hahahahaha
Body Man 1 (laughs like Jim): Hahahahaha
Jim: Got a little excited, did we?
Body Man 1: Got a little excited, did we?
Jim: Hey… Stop that.
Body Man 1: Hey… Stop that.
Jim: No, seriously, stop that. It gets annoying quickly.
Body Man 1: No, seriously, stop that. It gets annoying quickly.
Jim: I swear to God, if you…
Body Man 1: I swear to God, if you…
Jim (as fast as possible): …How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Body Man 1 (as fast as possible): How much wood could a woodchop chuck… (looks down)
Jim: Yeah, exactly! Who's your daddy? Now lean me up against the rail near Alicia.
Body Man 1 (rolls eyes): Whatever dude.
Body Man 2 (on one knee talking to Alicia): Yet, my Sweet, it is not too late. Come with me to my dressing room where I shall make your loins scream out in passion.
Alicia: No thanks. I'll pass.
Body Man 2: Oh, why must a man's heart lay broken…
Body Man 1 (attempts to interrupt): Dude, lets go.
Body Man 2: …before true love can enter? What have forsaken such a sweet princess to choose a pompous frog over a king? If you cut me, do I not bleed love?
Body Man 1 (angry): Dude! I'm missing Wheel of Fortune. Now come on! You lost her at the pants anyway.
Body Man 2 (loses French accent): Alright. But hey, it was worth a shot anyway. You two take care now, ya hear? Later.
(Body Man 1 and Body Man 2 exit the stage)
Jim: I don't know, Body Man 2 didn't seem that bad. At least you didn't have Body Man 1 feeling all over your crotch.
Alicia: I don't know… My guy was pretty touchy himself. (shocked) Hey! Are you touching me?
Jim: Probably. Where's my hand?
Alicia: On my ass!
Jim: Sweet!
Alicia: No, it's not. It's childish. Now stop it.
(Body Man 1 walks onstage)
Body Man 1 (laughing): Heh. We got her good.
(Body Man 1 takes Jim's hand off Alicia and walks off stage)
Jim: There, all better. Now can we just go have sex already? I'm getting tired.
Alicia: No we cannot go have sex already. You haven't impressed me once since we've been out here. No verses of poetry read, no serenades from below, not a rose in the mouth or a kiss on the hand. I don't even know why I'm still here.
Jim: Well, cut me a little slack. I didn't sign up for all this anyway.
Alicia: Whadda mean you didn't sign up for all this? Surely you didn't think it was going to be a cakewalk into my pants.
Jim: A. You're still not wearing pants. (Alicia grumbles) And B. Did you even read the title to this thing? It specifically says, "What About The Plot Jim?" Doesn't look like I was meant to do a lot to me.
Alicia: Okay, maybe you're right that time. (looks sad) But you still could of at least tried…
Jim: Well, I was going to bring you some chocolates, but my friend ate them all. I hope you're not mad. I'm still kind of new at this. This is only my sixth time.
Alicia: Well, that's okay. I can't expect everyone to be perfect. Your friend is a bastard for doing that though.
Jim: I know. He's okay at times, but often he lets his lips do the talking before his brain.
Alicia: Man, he sounds like a real prick. I should meet him one day and give him a piece of my mind.
Little Irish Leprechaun (whispering. can't be seen yet): She's a harpy/ A harpy!
Jim: Actually…
Alicia: What was that?
(out jumps the Little Irish Leprechaun out of Jim's shirt pocket. he lands on the balcony and sits there)
Jim: He's right here.
Little Irish Leprechaun: Hello you misplaced face bitch! Ugly are your bones. Ugly are your teeth. A harpy she be. Not good enough to scrub me feet.
Alicia (scared): Oh my God! What the hell is that?
Jim: Don't worry. It's just my Little Irish Leprechaun. They're the latest craze in Europe.
Alicia: Well keep him the hell away from me!
Body Man 2 runs on stage and throws Alicia into Jim's arms. Simultaneously, Body Man 1 comes from behind and holds Jim's arms up to catch up)
Little Irish Leprechaun: You'd have to be dumb. You'd have to be drunk. To get into bed with that smelly skunk.
Jim (angry): Hey! That's my future girlfriend you're talking to there!
Little Irish Leprechaun: Then let it be known. And let it be shown. Jim has the taste of a blind, woodland gnome.
Jim (angry): Okay, that's it! We've been through a lot together. Nam, the Gulf, my hygiene. But I won't let you sit here and disrespect Alicia like this. If you don't like the way she looks, fine! Go home and dream of all the she-males you date. But I'm not going to stand by and let you ruin my whole night. Now, you got any more problems?
Little Irish Leprechaun (surprised): Well I'll be damned. And I'll be smite. Jim grew a pair of balls in the middle of the night.
Alicia: Yeah Jim, that was probably the most… The only thing you've done for me this whole night. (smiles)
Jim: Aw… It was nothing. You would have done the same for me.
Alicia (shifting eyes back and forth): Yes… The same… (Body Man 2 holds her up to kiss Jim) Guess I owe you that one, don't I?
Jim: Wow! First base! Thought I'd never make it there.
Alicia: Really? Wanna try for home?
Jim: Sweet!
(camera shifts to Little Irish Leprechaun)
Little Irish Leprechaun (monologue): Now I've done my bidding. And I've done my time. I came here to make Jim a man. And speak my little rhymes. But the day is done. And my rhymes are through. Back to Krypton I go. There from which I flew. (Little Irish Leprechaun takes a heroic pose and opens his shirt revealing a red S underneath) Faster than a bullet. And bigger than life. It's time for this Little Irish Leprechaun to take flight.
Alicia: Wait a second. You mean your sole purpose for meeting Jim was to one day help him get into my pants?
Little Irish Leprechaun: This be true. It be no lie. As guardian angel is why I arrived. But you leave me confused. And you leave me in knots. Pants you speak of. Pants you have not. Perhaps if you turn your attention. And turn your eyes. Body Man 1 is where your pants lie.
Body Man 1: Hey! No wonder these things don't fit. Thanks dude!
Jim: I don't know what to say little guy. How can I ever repay you?
Alicia: You can repay him by finishing what he came here to do. Get us in the sack.
Jim: I can't argue with that.
Little Irish Leprechaun: My ultimate satisfaction is seeing my work done. You two go off. And go have your fun.
Jim: Thanks! We will.
(Little Irish Leprechaun starts to fly away. Body Man 1 and Body Man 2 hold up Alicia's and Jim's hands so they can wave good-bye)
Alicia: God bless you, Superman!
(lights dim and the stage goes silent)
THE END
?
NO REALLY. IT'S OVER